red thumb
by clairebare
Summary: jane and lisbon are faced with their future.
1. Chapter 1

1

Nothing seems right.

Besides the fact that Lisbon and I act like strangers, the crocus bulbs I'm forcing are refusing to bloom.

I carefully chilled the bulbs first. Chilling my bulbs is a time-honored tradition with me.

I watched the temperature and was careful with light. They grew long shoots right away, the buds developed, and now nothing.

After a week of expecting to come home to flowers, I'm resigned to the fact that the buds will shrivel and die just as they are.

Isn't that perfect?

I didn't cultivate Lisbon half as well as the crocus bulbs. I didn't nourish her and pay attention to her growing conditions.

The result seems to be that the women who haven't died under my red thumb, seem to whither under my brown one.

So our relationship is languishing. We don't bother to talk much anymore. Just job stuff and teasing.

Each joke has its precursor in another joke. No new subject is introduced. Every response is codified. Anything else is too scary.

I blame me and I blame her.

She blames me.

But I don't know how to ask if she'd be interested in a basket case that promises to be good to her. In a grieving widower who views every minute of happiness he has with her as a slap in the faces of his dead family.

I am in show business. I'm a performer and most of the time, I act like none of what happened to me happened. The question is, if I can seem happy even when I'm miserable will that work for her?

I haven't yet had the dinner with Lisbon when I lay that future out before her. The nightmares and the lost weekends. And what happens on Charlotte's birthday or when I see a woman on the street with a smile like Angela?

2

The doctor will see you now.

Seems the FBI is endlessly curious about the health of its employees.

This is my semi-annual physical. Lisbon and Cho went yesterday. Fischer and Abbott were this morning.

They've taken samples of all possible effluvia my body can produce. I feel drained and a bit embarrassed. They seem thrilled with everything I gave them.

The doc doesn't look at me as he checks off my yes/no answers.

He backs up from his desk and thrusts out his hand.

"Be well, Patrick."

3

Traffic is good and I'm back on my couch in fifteen minutes.

Lisbon is on hold with some official entity as I sink down on my couch.

"Wait, wait," she says, "don't put me on hold again, don't—"

She looks at me, places a finger gun to her head and pulls the trigger.

I laugh.


	2. Chapter 2

1

"You can't find them? That's not possible."

Lisbon is no longer on hold. I can see that she wishes to god that I weren't overhearing this conversation.

She thought I'd be safely away at the FBI clinic being prodded and poked and sampled all afternoon.

Why if this is such a sensitive subject, would she make this call from a hard line in the bullpen?

They, whoever they are, must have called her.

"Yes. But you've had them since 2008."

Some official but not very efficient entity has lost something of Lisbon's that they've had for six years.

"Yes. I'll hold."

She sticks out her tongue and gives me a pantomime noose-around-the-neck to show how cartoon hassled she is by the bureaucracy of it all.

She's not fooling me. She's devastated by this.

I do the only thing I can.

I leave her in peace.

2

When I return ten minutes later, she's not there.

I try her cell. I get voice mail.

I head to my car and spy her sitting in hers weeping.

I slide into her passenger seat.

"No, Jane, get out." She shoves me weakly like a little kid.

"Just call me and I'll come."

I slide out and let her drive away.

3

I spend the afternoon working a case with Cho.

We stop in a Korean grill place and proceed to self-immolate on kimchi.

"The feebs are rather zealous with the physical exams aren't they?"

Cho looks up from his beef ribs. "Seemed like the usual to me, Jane."

"I mean how much blood do they need?"

He shrugs.

"And mucus and urine?"

"Trying to eat here, Jane." He puts down his chopsticks.

"And semen? What was that about?"

"Huh?" Cho has an even blanker look than usual.


	3. Chapter 3

1

Morning again. I lock my car and slog in from the parking lot.

The skies above Austin are flat and ugly today. It's hot as hell here. Fischer has no hips. Wylie's starting to give me the creeps.

I don't like it here.

At least, Sacramento, while a pit, was near San Francisco. Which as I think about it, got on my nerves with its super-oaky chardonnays and chicken Caesar salads. The chicken Caesar is a mutant, a testament to all that is shameful about the current American palate-

I'm in a bad mood. Can you tell?

I enter the bullpen.

Whoa. Lisbon has cut her hair. Whacked it down way past Jennifer Lawrence to Jean Seberg. I love Seberg and Belmondo in Breathless. He was an outlaw and cool. If I were an actor, I'd be Jean-Paul.

I circle her desk. I was right. Lisbon has a great skull. How does a woman that short have such a long neck?

Did she cut it herself? It has that look.

Her eyes look bruised and hollow.

After yesterday's tears in the car, Lisbon lopping off two years of raven locks in her bathroom last night does not augur well for her state of mind.

"Hey." I sit on the edge of her desk. "You make that haircut look terrific."

"Don't flirt with me, Jane. I'm not in the mood."

She gets up and leaves the bullpen.

2

I wake from my mid-morning nap to hear Lisbon's phone buzzing with an impatient text.

She returns to her desk and checks it.

She gasps and drops it.

It skids across the floor and under my couch.

I scoop it up.

"Congratulations!" Unknown caller has texted. "Just heard you're expecting!"


	4. Chapter 4

"Congratulations! Just heard you're expecting!" wrote Unknown Caller.

Lisbon looks faint. What she wasn't expecting was that text.

She grabs her phone from my hand and makes a dash for the ladies room.

I follow and hold the door and wave the other women out.

"Lisbon, talk to me. You're not pregnant, are you?"

I look in her eyes. She's not. Isn't even having sex. Oh joy. Pike must be losing his mind.

"I froze some eggs a long time ago."

Ah. I get it now. Or I get part of it.

"I did it because I was trying to buy myself time, Jane."

More like she was trying to buy me time.

Poor Lisbon. I really suck the big one.

Lisbon's in mourning for a possibility. That's what the haircut is about.

"That was the phone call you got yesterday? The eggs went missing?"

"That's why the storage place called. Misplaced or stolen. But I guess someone…used them. Why?"

She shivers.

The surprised look on Cho's face yesterday when I told him about the sperm sample flashes in front of my eyes.

Fuck a duck.

"Lisbon, something happened to me yesterday. Something that I think I ought to bring up at this juncture."

She wipes her nose with the back of her hand. She's steamed. Has no idea why I'm suddenly telling her about my Tuesday.

"Why am I not surprised that in the midst of whatever hell I'm going through, we have to take time out to talk about Patrick Jane? Why is it always about you?"

"Let me put it this way. I'd wager that no other guy at the FBI clinic yesterday was locked up in a little room with a copy of Double D magazine."


	5. Chapter 5

Lisbon blinks steadily when I tell her about the sample I gave at the clinic.

I can see her train of thought:

_My eggs were stolen. They had a close encounter with some genetic material._

_Jane's. _

Her eyes get huge.

Her brain is buzzing.

_How did this happen? Where is the egg…uhh, embryo? What will Pike think? What do I think? What does Jane think? _

A beatific smile sweeps across her face.

"It's yours, Jane? Do you think it'll be blond?"

Lisbon wants my baby. I want…I don't know what I want.

"All Jane babies are blond, Lisbon."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh. Our genes dominate all comers. The child won't be a thing like you. May as well be my clone."

"You're kidding? " Her brow furrows, "Aren't you?"

"Sorry, only room enough in this merger for one person's narcissism to be fed. And I'm afraid, my dear, that you will always get the short end of the zygote."

I've succeeded in distracting her. She's much more comfortable with anger than confusion.

"No way, Jane. I don't want my kid walking around with your stupid duck mouth."

Duck mouth? Them's fighting words.


	6. Chapter 6

Then she stops raging about the inequities of mating with a Jane.

Her face turns sad. She looks at the text message again.

"Jane, someone has our baby," she says.

The fact that Lisbon is distraught; not at creating a baby with me but at not having a bead on its whereabouts is galvanizing.

I suddenly know what I want.

I find myself crushing her in my arms then saying things I finally have the courage to say.

"We'll find it, my love. Whatever has to be done, we'll find it. You and me. I love you, Teresa" It's all suddenly so easy to say.

The way she rubs her entire body over mine says we're together.

I glance over her shoulder in the ladies room mirror.

What do you know? I do have a duck mouth.

She begins to kiss it.

She plants tiny nibbles on my lower mandible then works her way to my upper one.

I angle my head to the side and gently part her lips with my tongue. Difficult with a duck mouth, but I pull it off.

Lisbon's cell buzzes. It's the alarm function warning of her impending date with Pike.

There's a banging at the door.

"Liz, you in there?"

She rockets out of my arms and straightens her hair and make-up in the mirror.

"Yes, Marcus. Be right out, sweetie."

She opens the door and falls into his arms.

Be right out, sweetie? What the fuck happened to me and Lisbon, a couple united by love in the fight to find our baby?

He runs his fingers through her hair. "I hear you had some trouble Liz? Some funny business about your eggs being stolen and fertilized without your permission?

Lisbon nods; near tears.

"Forget those eggs, Liz, they're gone.

He starts patting her head so she'll be a good little girl.

"My suggestion, Lizzie Pie, is to leave it to me. Come home with me tonight and I'm sure with the help of Pike's Peak, a friend of mine who is eager to make your acquaintance, we'll get you with child the natural way."

Question? Is it illegal to kill someone for referring to their penis using a cute name?

I'll have to ask Cho because I don't think there's a jury in the world that would convict me for killing Marcus Pike for referring to his dick as Pike's Peak.

What a douche.

Pike has stuffed an out-of-it Lisbon in her coat and is leading her out the door.

"If anyone needs Lisbon, she'll be at my place. "

Lisbon is marched out in front of Pike and his trusty peak.


	7. Chapter 7

1

Pike is herding Lisbon out the door.

I touch her shoulder.

"Teresa," I whisper.

Lisbon halts. She turns to me.

"Lisbon," Pike says.

She turns to look at him.

"Come home with me, darling," Pike says, "I promise I'll get you pregnant. And don't feel bad about your hair, I'm sure it will grow back."

Don't feel bad about your hair? This guy stinks on ice.

Lisbon looks back at me.

"Teresa. Don't go with him. He didn't care that you lost your eggs. Didn't even acknowledge your feelings. Just sees it as a opportunity to finally nail you himself."

Lisbon digests my words.

Pike chimes in. "Lisbon, Jane's kept you on hold for twelve years. He's disappeared for years at a time. He cons you and lies to you and keeps you on the outside while I've never given you a moment's doubt about where I stand."

Lisbon considers Pike's argument.

I take a step closer to her. "Teresa. Some crazy person has done a crazy thing and for whatever reason, it's finally brought us together. But that doesn't mean us being together is crazy."

Pike takes a step closer. "The odds of you and Jane finding this zygote are low but the Pike men have an established record of impregnating perimenopausal women. My mom was fifty-one when she had me."

Perimenopausal women? Pike sure is a silver-tongued devil. I bet he says that to all the elderly primagravidas.

Lisbon looks to me for my response.

"Teresa, I can only say that I love you very much. That I should have told you a long time ago and that I'll move heaven and earth to find our little embryo. And if we can't find it, I'll be your sex slave till the end of time."

Pike spins her around to look at him.

"Lisbon, consider the fact that my ex-wife was fifty-six when she had our daughter. Pike bullets are higher caliber. They break through the most wizened female plumbing. If this loony thing with the embryo hadn't happened, no way would you be considering leaving me for Patrick Jane. Don't let the fact that there's one fertilized egg with his name on it out there cloud your ability to make the right decision."

I step forward. "Teresa, I—"

Teresa holds up her hand as if she's heard all the argument she needs.

"Jane, what do you call your penis?"

"Penis."

She takes my hand and holds it high and triumphant. "I think we have a winner.


	8. Chapter 8

The three of us are standing outside the ladies room.

We've attracted the attention of everyone in the bullpen. Fischer, Cho, Abbott, Wylie, Moe, Larry and Curly Joe.

Pike looks shocked because naming his male member seems to have lost him the battle for Teresa's heart.

Lisbon is taking a chance by choosing me. After all, I could be unimaginative instead of tasteful and mature and that's why I don't have a name for it.

Or worse, it may lack the vibrant personality and elan to truly merit a name.

This could come back to bite her in the ass or worse.

Pike's furious at her decision.

"Fine, Teresa. But I think the only reason you're choosing him is because of something you have no hope of reclaiming. May I ask how Jane proposes to find this so-called embryo?"

Pike has challenged me. The crowd awaits my answer.

Lisbon's thrown in her lot with me. I can't let her down.

"Well," I say. "Whoever's behind this wants to mess with Teresa. Or with me. Or with both of us. Or maybe…maybe, it has nothing to do with either of us."

Everyone says, "Ooh."

"Whoever it is has been planning this for a long time. Or perhaps…he or she did it on the spur of the moment."

Everyone says, "Ahhh."

"It's someone playing god. Or it's someone who's not comfortable in that role."

Everyone says, "Wow."

Abbott and Kim bounce up and down in excitement.

Several of the junior agents take out their guns and shoot them in the air.

Pike shakes his fist at me. "Damn you and your brilliant mind, Patrick Jane."

Gee. These people are easy. This doesn't seem all that brilliant to me.

Lisbon whispers, "This doesn't seem all that brilliant to me."

That's my girl!

I have to do better than this to get an "ooh," or an "ahh" out of Teresa Lisbon.

Must dig deep.

"The person who did this believes that Teresa and I owe him…a baby."

Lisbon gasps. The crowd grows silent.

"The person who did this is Sean Barlow."

Abbott yells, "Saddle up and get me Sean Barlow!"

The bullpen empties out so fast, the building almost tips over.

Even Pike joins the posse.

The only people left are me, Teresa and Cho.

Teresa's cell phone rings.

"Lisbon."

Her mouth drops open.

"Thank you. Thanks for calling."

She says, "That was the storage facility. They found them. Someone put them in the wrong freezer."


	9. Chapter 9

Teresa's frozen eggs were located. Someone at the storage facility misplaced them.

I take a step toward her.

"They found them? So there's no—"

"No little Jane," Lisbon says.

She adopts a blasé stance.

"False alarm, Jane. So….we're cool."

She tosses her hair over her shoulder and backs off.

I can't believe she thinks I'll take this opportunity to tap dance away. But then, I've done it so many times before.

Cho is watching us like a tennis referee.

"You mean, I'm off the hook, Lisbon?"

She nods and tries to maintain a gallant little grin.

"The thing is Teresa, I like the hook. I already miss the feel of it in my duck mouth."

She grins a real grin. "You're mixing metaphors or something. Ducks don't get caught on hooks."

"Stupid ducks do."

She kisses me on my stupid duck mouth.

Cho makes a great show of neatening up his desk and heading out.

"And Cho, tell Wylie I'm coming for him," I stop kissing Teresa to call to Cho over her shoulder.

He freezes with his back to me.

"The kid over-stepped his bounds a little, that's all," Cho says.

Teresa steps away from me and gazes at Cho.

I snort. "The kid hacked into the FBI clinic email and I wound up jerking off into a Dixie cup."

Cho turns to us and shrugs. "He already had you scheduled for a follow-up sample tomorrow when I discovered what he was up to."

Cho's face becomes even more Cho-like. "Come on, Jane. It's funny."

"Yes. Funny right up to the point where the joke was on Teresa and not just on me."

Lisbon gasps, "Wylie sent the text congratulating me on expecting a child?"

I put my hand on her back. "He must have overheard your phone call about the missing eggs and gotten a brainstorm."

She's in shock.

"And it just so happened that the day before he'd played a prank on Jane by getting a sperm sample?" Teresa rolls her eyes.

"A coincidence?" I say.

Cho replies, "Not that much of a coincidence, Jane. Turns out it's something Wylie does. Did it to all the guys in I.T. He managed to get me and Abbott last week. And he has Pike going back to give his third sample."

I crack up. Pike is such a tool. I flatter myself by thinking I would have figured out it was a gag.

"Sounds like a fraternity hazing. Or should I call it a paternity hazing." I say.

Cho grabs his car keys.

"Cho, let's leave Pike on the clinic schedule. He and Pike's Peak are going to need a field trip after what happened today." I put my arm around Teresa.

Teresa says, "And tell Wylie I forgive him for his pranks. He brought Jane and me together."

Cho nods.

I walk over to Cho and address him very seriously.

"And tell Wylie that I smiled when I heard what he did but it was a mirthless wicked smile with no joy in it at all. Tell him, the smile terrified you, Cho."

I smile at Cho.

"That is a pretty fucking terrifying smile, Jane."

"Tell him that he and I will meet again."

"Jane, you're going to completely paralyze the kid. He'll be so worried about what you're going to do in revenge he won't sleep a wink. " Teresa says. "What are you going to do to him?

"Nothing, Teresa. It's more effective to make him live in fear of what I might do. He's going to beg me to do something just to stop the suspense."

She laughs.

"But enough about Wylie. What's the quickest way to your house, Teresa?"

She grabs me by my hand.

"We share an FBI SUV and blare the sirens all the way to my place. En route we call the Thai place and the wine store to deliver and we get the wine delivery guy to stop off at the ice cream place and get us hot fudge sundaes."

"Teresa, you sound like you have this down to a science. How many times have you set up seductions at your house?"

"This'll be my first time but I like to have an action plan in place in case I need it."

"Then I will place myself in your very capable hands, Teresa."

"Indeed you will Patrick. In ways you can't even imagine."

"You mean I'll be shocked by some of the things you have planned for me?"

"Yes, Patrick. As well as flummoxed and nonplussed."

She drags me out the door. "But in the nicest way possible."


End file.
